Wednesday, July 20, 2011

For The Love Of A Horse---Changes....

My dear sweet Lass died Saturday.  (I have pictures on the camera but not on this computer so I will post them once things settle..there are some on older posts here) She just laid down and died.

Ever hear the expression, "healthy as a horse"?  Well, she wasn't that horse.  She looked great (partly that was her breed and her line.  But she was line bred.... as line bred as she could be.  We can see today what that does to different breeds of dogs. She was sick from the time she was a foal.  We kept her alive, and maybe it was so she could do the same for me, at some point.

But Lass was more then a horse.  She came to me just before I contracted Lyme disease.  (which is a whole other story in itself, including misdiagnosis for almost 12 years)

She saw me through some devastating changes in life.  She saw me through severe illness, the loss of my husband, the loss of both my parents and my B-I-L's accident.  She was my best friend, my confidant.  BUT we couldn't ride her.  So she was becoming an expensive pet.  And because of her many, many, health problems (actually had we not bought her, she probably would have died a long long time ago) it was hard to leave her with anyone, and sometimes I was even worried about leaving her in my son's care.  And I LONGED, so many times, to be able to ride her.  I miss riding.  (we did ride her when she was younger, so at least I have that)

Another thing I was constantly worrying about was, if we did have to move, how would I juggle moving her, having everything set up for her, including vet care etc, before we got there, and timed it to have her there the same time as we would arrive, etc etc..which might have included boarding her before final arrangements.  She was not good with change..and any little upset went right to her feet. 

Now normally all these things would not be a problem, for us as humans, or for the horses, but her chronic health problems were such, that a move could possibly kill her, or cause a devastating blow to her health.  And that would most likely happen as soon as we arrived in the new place, so everything had to be ready "just in case"...And that isn't even taking vaccinations into account.  She has not been vaccinated in a few years because every time she was, she foundered (a painful foot disease)  Since she wasn't being ridden with other horses, or transported to riding areas or shows, we opted to not vaccinate her.  She even, in her life, occasionally appeared to be having tiny seizures, when faced with a stressful situation (which by normal standards would not have been stressful!) that were over in a flash.   Moving and having her transported would mean she would need vaccinations.  All these things weighted heavy on my mind almost all the time.

I am considering another horse at some point, but the corral needs some repair and some of the footing in it by the stall needs some work.   I must be crazy, but I miss the work,  I walk outside in the mornings and stand there wondering what I am supposed to do now.  There is nothing more relaxing then starting the day cleaning a stall...

I have to remind myself to check on the chickens through the day, because I always did that when I went to check on Lass.  I have not even been out to the stall since last Saturday.  I have not gone into the back yard, past the middle of the garden..I can't yet. 

I think about people (relationships) I will not have any more.  I won't be seeing the vet if I don't have a horse.  I won't be seeing the hay man...I still need chicken feed, but it comes from a different place, and the farrier and his wife..who also saw me through my husbands loss.  (he lives in Newburg, so it is a trip for him, every 5 weeks, and he told me that he and his wife had considered turning his customers over to another farrier, except for me and Lass, and another customer out on the Island, who has a cottage they stay in when they visit.)  So those people I will not see again unless I get another horse, right away, but even then the farrier may not come down here...he was attached to this girl too.  So it is a loss of my friend Lass, and a loss of a life style.  Having a horse is a life style. 

It is as if my whole life is starting over in a different direction...And not just because of Lass.  So many changes (and losses) have been happening especially over this past year or year and a half or so, for me.  So much of the "old life" has fallen away, some easily, some not so easily, and some have been torn away..but I have to think maybe it is for a reason.   I know I will again have another horse (or even two) but it may not be here.  And if it isn't here, it may take a while..meanwhile...time marches on, and we get older as we breath!!  So we have to see how it all happens..go with the flow I say...

The way she died, lead us to believe she had other things going on.  I believe she may have had some sort of female cancer, which would account for her drastic mood swings, Cushings symptoms, that mysteriously disappeared in the last year and a half of her life, and her constant foot problems.  On the other hand, she did not appear to be losing weight (but that could have been her breed too) and she "looked" in good condition..shiny, dappled, smooth....the past two weeks, however, she was tormented with flies like I never saw before in her 14 years...I told my sister I think she was "walking dead"...already.

And I know she stayed alive through the night to say goodbye.  She had been improving (for what we were treating her for) and the vet and I had great hopes for her.  She came over to the fence after calling to me, in the morning.  I gave her some wet hay to nibble on, (she refused oat meal which is a bad sign) I cleaned off her feet, and she went and stood by her stall.  After I left her she went and laid down on the dry cool dirt in front of her stall.  I stepped outside to make sure she was ok, and she popped up and called  to me, and got up.  I went to her, she moved to the side of the stall, but refused more hay.  I petted her and talked to her and sprayed her and rubbed some fly spray on her face with my hands, and told her I would be back in a little while, and walked back to the house.  When I left she went back to the front of the stall, laid down, and didn't move.  I went outside to call her, and she didn't answer.  Not even her ears moved.  I had a feeling.  And I was correct.  She was already dead..no crying out, no movement, she was just gone.

I have much to process.  Life is about change (they say, and so we know from experience). If nothing else, Life is dynamic...

See you later,
Janie

21 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry Janie.....I'm sorry for all of these things that have happened, I will pray for you (if that's okay), I will be thinking of you today and I send warm thoughts and comfort your way....Xoxoxo ~Ashley

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  2. Thank you Ashley, I do appreciate it. Everyone can use all the prayers they can get...

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  3. I'm sorry for your loss. It's good that you had her to help you heal in the past. We have to accept the changes and see where they take us.

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  4. I pray you can fill the void left in your heart. You story reminded me of when our dog passed away. He could no longer walk but he got up that day when I came come and walked over to me. It was crushing... like he was saying goodbye.

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  5. Janie,
    life is a constant process. I am so sorry to hear about all the loss you have experienced. Now your horse died, I send my healing thoughts your way. I have had a lot of experience with death and dying in my work. I feel that your horse yes was ill, however much deeper than that. With your decisions you are up against and all. Perhaps she felt it was her time to go. As sad as it sounds, she gave you a gift of love.
    I hope you find your way, when it comes, you will know it. Be aware, and take care of yourself. For me I could never live in the cold wintery snow that I see on your blog. Maybe it is time to simplify? Whatever it is, it will come to you,
    Janie

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  6. Oh, Janie.. I am so sorry for your loss. What a wonderful life you gave your horse, she was lucky to have you. Most would not have given her that life because they would have deemed her "not useful". You loved her unconditionally and she thrived for a long time. That's amazing and I hope you feel really good about it.

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  7. Thank you all for your well wishes. I know only too well, it is a process.

    And I do believe she sensed it was her time to go..

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  8. Karen,
    Thanks....Yes, you can not believe how many people questioned why I still kept her. (my fear was she would end up as glue) She was a pure bred Lippitt Morgan, and I couldn't see just letting her go because she couldn't be used. I do think there might have been some breeders that would have "retired" her for me on their places, but she did serve a purpose for me..many times she was what got me out of bed.

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  9. Thanks Teri. It was difficult to go any place or travel because I was afraid to leave her for too long with anyone, so well, I guess there's a reason for everything.
    Boy I sure miss her..she used to call to me every time I went out back.

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  10. Janie, it is a sad loss for you. You certainly did all you could for your wonderful horse. I hope that gives you some comfort. My cat friend Sam died (lymphoma)last year. I understood what you meant about people you wouldn't see anymore; we were such regulars at the vet's for the last couple of years. That's what you do for a friend. Your Lass was lucky to have you.

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  11. Thank you so much for your comments. I am still hearing her call me, and I still am not sure what to do when I go outside!! I walk around in a daze..it was like losing a member of the family (they say a horse had the mentality of a 3 year old child, with mental disability that does not allow them to communicate)
    My one saving Grace right now is the heat. She did not like heat..she suffered badly in it..it is only 11:30am here and it is already 99 degrees with a heat index of 114...so she would have been suffering. (even with the showers she loved)

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  12. Hi Janie, how sad you must be this week after such a tragic event. I've never loved a horse but I do have my darling little pup and I'm sure you loved Lass like one of your family.

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  13. What a comfort you had been for each other..you each played an important role in the other's life.

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  14. Janie, I'm sorry for your loss and am sure no words can express how sad you feel with losing your Lass. It certainly sounds like you truly loved each other and were good for each other; the best of friends! I'm so glad you were with her a lot that morning and gave her comfort. Take care.

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  15. Janie, so much sorrow ... and so much comfort she brought you. I never try to understand the events that happen in our lives ... learned a long time ago I can't control those things...but I can control how I respond and move forward.
    Lass was so fortunate to have you in her life!

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  16. I am so very sorry to hear of your loss Janie. You did your best for Lass all those years and she was so fortunate that you were such a caring owner, and in return she was a wonderful part of your life. You will always have your memories of her, and knowledge that you did all you could for her.
    Thankyou for taking the trouble to visit my blog and leave a comment during this difficult time.
    I wish you all best wishes.
    Gill

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  17. Oh wow, what a story. So sorry to hear of that.I know how our animals are like our family, in time, your memories will be happy ones.

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  18. So Sorry for your loss!!! I've experienced many losses of family and pets. Only time can help, I guess.
    I truly appreciate your comment despite your trying time.
    God Bless you, Lots of love and Hugs xoxo, Orchid.

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  19. Very sorry to hear you lost Lass. Hard to let an old friend go. Nancy

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  20. This is a sad post... Sorry for your loss.
    Just remember the good memories and it will help you carry on.

    Lots of love ♥

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